Throughout history, there have been epic sagas where the hero overcomes obstacles, fights demons, pushes on, and finally reaches his/her goal. After twenty years of my own epic saga, I have become that "hero" by finally reaching my goal.
It is sort of funny, in a way, because it really actually feels sort of anti-climactic at this point. I always thought that I would have this rush when it was all over... a feeling of complete and utter accomplishment and happiness that I did it. I don't really have that feeling. I'm just ready to get on with the next part of the journey. Maybe then I will feel the rush.
I've started researching graduate schools. I'm totally psyched to think about it and the possibilities. I'm going to stop second-guessing myself and just do it. So far... this is my top choice (Fairleigh Dickinson) and second would be Carlow University (with a residency in Ireland), and then there would also be the third place choice of PLU. Actually, being responsible, if I could get in to PLU, I would do that because it would be the least cumbersome (to family, work and friends) and also the least expensive... but I drool over the thought of residencies in the English countryside or in Ireland. *Sigh*
Showing posts with label graduation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label graduation. Show all posts
Monday, June 16, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Timing
I didn't write about it before, and I guess it is kind of a weird thing to write about now, but I think that I've come to grips with it at this point and feel that I can address it.
My dad committed suicide two weeks ago. It has been a strange time and a lot of things have been going through my mind. Guilt was the first and primary focus, but utter disbelief and complete sadness were close behind.
I guess I am at that point in life, where I feel that time passes too quickly, and I realize that I'm getting older. That is scary to me because there are so many things that I want to do in life, and so many things that I feel compelled to *at least* try, I can't imagine how desolate it must feel to not have one thing in the entire world that would keep you from thinking that life wasn't worth living. Again, there is the wiggle room for guilt to edge its way back.
I'm trying to not beat myself up about it because there are a lot of reasons that people commit suicide. I guess if the estrangement between my dad and I were the cause, he would have done it a long time ago. So I can't really blame myself, even though I do feel horrible. I remember the last time I saw him -- a few years ago -- outside of a store right before Christmas. He was a volunteer bell-ringer for the Salvation Army. I stopped to talk to him. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I kept thinking that he'd say something... anything... to sort of keep the conversation going and somehow (magically) it would all be okay and things would go back to how they were before (a strangely unnormal relationship). But it didn't happen that way and now I have to think that strange bell-ringing experience was our last. The timing was just not right.
My mom called me the other night and said that Vicky (dad's current wife) talked to my brother and told him that my dad really had a lot of regrets, but one big regrets for him was the fact that he didn't go to my high school graduation. I found that incredibly ironic given the fact that he then ended up killing himself a month before my college graduation. Another instance of bad timing.
I think that, in some weird way, he would somewhat appreciate or at least be kind of amused by that irony.
Hopefully he is finally at peace.
My dad committed suicide two weeks ago. It has been a strange time and a lot of things have been going through my mind. Guilt was the first and primary focus, but utter disbelief and complete sadness were close behind.
I guess I am at that point in life, where I feel that time passes too quickly, and I realize that I'm getting older. That is scary to me because there are so many things that I want to do in life, and so many things that I feel compelled to *at least* try, I can't imagine how desolate it must feel to not have one thing in the entire world that would keep you from thinking that life wasn't worth living. Again, there is the wiggle room for guilt to edge its way back.
I'm trying to not beat myself up about it because there are a lot of reasons that people commit suicide. I guess if the estrangement between my dad and I were the cause, he would have done it a long time ago. So I can't really blame myself, even though I do feel horrible. I remember the last time I saw him -- a few years ago -- outside of a store right before Christmas. He was a volunteer bell-ringer for the Salvation Army. I stopped to talk to him. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I kept thinking that he'd say something... anything... to sort of keep the conversation going and somehow (magically) it would all be okay and things would go back to how they were before (a strangely unnormal relationship). But it didn't happen that way and now I have to think that strange bell-ringing experience was our last. The timing was just not right.
My mom called me the other night and said that Vicky (dad's current wife) talked to my brother and told him that my dad really had a lot of regrets, but one big regrets for him was the fact that he didn't go to my high school graduation. I found that incredibly ironic given the fact that he then ended up killing himself a month before my college graduation. Another instance of bad timing.
I think that, in some weird way, he would somewhat appreciate or at least be kind of amused by that irony.
Hopefully he is finally at peace.
