Oh boy. Just when you think that your life is going along all normal and nice-like. You have a family function (or dys-function as I like to call it), and you are right back into the swampy middle of things and you feel like you did when you were 12.
Friday night. It seemed innocuous enough to get together for dinner, with my grandma and uncle, to celebrate my birthday. My grandma had already called me on said birthday to nag and frustrate me into wishing I was dead, but she was thoughtful enough to save a little of the special stuff for dinner as well.
Grandma: What time will you be at the Olive Garden?
me: Hmmm... it's Friday night, fighting Seattle traffic, we probably won't get there until close to 6:30.
Grandma: Okay. We'll get up there around 6:00. (Which I thought was completely crazy, but I didn't argue.)
me: I'll have Jessica meet you so you can get on the waiting list *sigh*
me: Are you meeting nana at OG around 6?
Jessica: Nana told me she's going at 5:30.
me: Why 5:30? I told her I wouldn't be there until almost 6:30!
Jessica: You know how crazy Nana is.
me: *big sigh*
*later - upon our arrival at OG*
Grandma: Oh, you're finally here. We're going to have a 50 minute wait! Tim are you hungry? Are you hungry? You're going to be even hungrier when you wait for almost an hour! What about the birthday girl. Are you hungry? I'm hungry. We're going to *starve* waiting this long.
Jack (uncle): Will you be quiet? (to Grandma)
*throbbing pain in my head starts*
Grandma: Oh, he's crabby. He's been crabby. He's crabby because we have to wait for an hour.
Jack: Shutup already. How many times do you have to say that?
Grandma: See... I told you he's crabby.
Jack: I'M NOT CRABBY! (crabbily) I'm just tired of hearing you say it.
Grandma: Oh hush, Jack. You're just crabby. What about Jessica (*ignoring the fact that Jessica is 2 inches from her*)? Is Jessica hungry?
me: I don't know... why don't you ask her?
Jessica: Gawd... I'm not two! Can you guys stop talking about me like I'm not here?!?!
Grandma: What's wrong with her? Why is she crabby?
me: (trying not to laugh at the absurdity of my grandma) I don't know. Gee, Jess, why are you crabby?
Jessica: Argggghhh! You make me so mad! I don't feel good and you guys act like I'm not even standing here!
Grandma: Boy... she is crabby. What is wrong with her... why doesn't she feel well? Is she sick?
Jessica: I am going to KILL myself!
me: (losing it) Are you sick Jess? (*throbbing pain in head ramps up*)
Grandma: I think this thing (vibrating pager) doesn't work. How will we know when our table is ready if it isn't working?
Jack: It isn't going to be working for probably 40 minutes! Believe me... it will let you know when the table is ready.
Grandma: He's just crabby because we're going to have to wait for 50 minutes and he's hungry.
Jack: Would you BE QUIET??!?!?!
About 30 additional minutes of that continues until the buzzer finally vibrates, announcing our table is ready. The waiter could not get there soon enough to take our drink order. I ordered a Shirley Temple with a shot of vodka. That about sent my grandma over the edge. She can have wine... but I'm not supposed to have anything. Unbelievable.
Later, she tells me that I'm not getting a birthday present (money) from Jack because she's had him give her money to go towards Jessica's dental bill. The same dental bill that she told me she'd pay because Jessica needed a lot of work. Grandma nagged me and nagged me to get her in and said she'd help pay for it. Help pay for it with my birthday money. So typical. I think that, since Jessica was born, I have not received a Christmas or birthday gift (from her or Jack) that was specifically for me. It was always a gift for me to take care of something relating to Jessica. In the future, once Jessica is gone and out of the house, I don't know what will happen. Luckily, I am not going to find out any time soon... I'm still getting gifts designated as 'help with Jessica's tuition' or 'get Jessica some new tires for her car' or 'get Jessica to the dentist'... she is amazing.
Anyway, it was an amusing thing for me to look back on. Not amusing at the time when I was begging for a nice robbery or restaurant fire to save me from my birthday dinner... but amusing now.