Wishes

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity... " Gilda Radner

I saw this quote on Ali Edwards' blog the other day and it really hit me. My life is all about change and ambiguity right now. It is kind of scary. I think that is why I haven't been blogging at all. Too much going on in my mind and I can't sort it out.

I've always heard, be careful what you wish for... it may come true. I was wishing and hoping to be fired. Since July I had just been dying inside because of my job. I found a journal entry I did in September when I really wanted to just walk in and quit without warning.

I was terminated. Fired from my job. No warning. No discussion. My boss walked in and handed me a memo stating she didn't want to talk about it and she walked back out. I opened the envelope and it all blurred together. "Irreconcilable management differences" was the reason.

It was a good thing in so many ways. I was depressed and miserable. Stressed out and stuck. I spend every day dealing with multiple crazy issues in an ongoing stream, with no support or assistance. There were days I couldn't even find the time to get up and go to the bathroom or have lunch because it was such an endless stream of phone calls, situations, people in my office, questions via IM, email, problems with clients, problems with the caregivers, problems with the union, problems with managers, problems with projects, being pulled in 50 directions at the same time.

I had a good idea of what it feels like to be in politics. To try and spin something the right way even though you know it isn't "right" and to cover the company's ass without resources. It was sometimes scary and almost always frustrating. It made me question myself many times. I never did anything illegal or immoral other than to stretch the truth or omit it (depending on the situation)... but it was enough to give me pause. I was tired of looking the other way when I didn't believe that we were doing the right thing or people's rights were being violated. It was hard. I could busy myself with other projects/issues because there were always more than enough to go around, but I was left with a cranky shell of my former existence. I gained weight, I stopped being concerned about how I looked when I went to work, I didn't want to do anything on weekends but veg out, and there were way too many mornings I ended up crying because I had to go to work.

So why did I care that I was fired? I guess it is that part of me that doesn't want to be rejected. No matter what, it would have been nice to have been truly appreciated for what I was doing. I felt like I gave up a piece of my life and a tiny corner of my soul for some time and I got nothing (but life experience) in return. I was treated horribly and I put up with it.

I was disgusted with myself for being fired rather than quitting and finding something better. I was disgusted with myself for expecting things to change. I was disgusted with myself for allowing the stabbing in the back by co-workers who wanted to look good for the moment and shifting blame to someone else. But most of all, I was disgusted with myself for letting her treat me that way. I did nothing but try to protect her and the company. I went so above-and-beyond the call of duty it wasn't even funny.

But in the end, I knew it wasn't right. I wasn't feeling good about what was going on. I knew who I could trust and who I couldn't. So I finally decided that I would talk to someone I knew I couldn't trust. I would tell this person that I just would rather be fired and collect unemployment than to go through the craziness and horrible treatment. I think that it was a good call because that person did tell my boss and that was that.

I am now in the weird position of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. For the past several years, I was so focused on my job, I ignored what I wanted to do and focused on just surviving and getting by. Now I need to decide.

I liked my job. The actual work that I was doing. I enjoyed the challenge. And if truth be told, I even enjoyed a little bit of the chaos. To be able to thrive and succeed in the midst of chaos gives you a feeling of strength (to a certain extent). To be able to fix problems, find solutions, put improvements in place, suggest fixes that will save money and create efficiency (even if it wasn't recognized or acted upon)... those are good things. Now I have to figure out how to transfer that into another job. But what?

I feel the need to be creative. I long to really tap into my potential and to be able to run with it and really see where it takes me. There were times at the hell-hole where I was amazed that I was able to do everything I could and to know that I could have done more. Pretty cool. Now I just have to find someone who will understand what I can offer and not feel weird about it. I need to find an employer with less dysfunction. For some reason, I am drawn into companies where there is a high level of it and I end up in the same place... a crazy boss and a bad situation. People who know me just laugh now because I've been in the strangest working environments and I always end up with the worst bosses. Even I would laugh if it weren't so painful.

Anyway, that is where I'm at. Trying to figure out where I'm at. Trying to figure out where to take the next step. Feeling like I'm going to take that step on unsteady legs. I'm just trying to work through it. Trying to gain some stability and make some decisions so I can put one foot in front of the other... and make my way.