Timing

I didn't write about it before, and I guess it is kind of a weird thing to write about now, but I think that I've come to grips with it at this point and feel that I can address it.

My dad committed suicide two weeks ago. It has been a strange time and a lot of things have been going through my mind. Guilt was the first and primary focus, but utter disbelief and complete sadness were close behind.

I guess I am at that point in life, where I feel that time passes too quickly, and I realize that I'm getting older. That is scary to me because there are so many things that I want to do in life, and so many things that I feel compelled to *at least* try, I can't imagine how desolate it must feel to not have one thing in the entire world that would keep you from thinking that life wasn't worth living. Again, there is the wiggle room for guilt to edge its way back.

I'm trying to not beat myself up about it because there are a lot of reasons that people commit suicide. I guess if the estrangement between my dad and I were the cause, he would have done it a long time ago. So I can't really blame myself, even though I do feel horrible. I remember the last time I saw him -- a few years ago -- outside of a store right before Christmas. He was a volunteer bell-ringer for the Salvation Army. I stopped to talk to him. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I kept thinking that he'd say something... anything... to sort of keep the conversation going and somehow (magically) it would all be okay and things would go back to how they were before (a strangely unnormal relationship). But it didn't happen that way and now I have to think that strange bell-ringing experience was our last. The timing was just not right.

My mom called me the other night and said that Vicky (dad's current wife) talked to my brother and told him that my dad really had a lot of regrets, but one big regrets for him was the fact that he didn't go to my high school graduation. I found that incredibly ironic given the fact that he then ended up killing himself a month before my college graduation. Another instance of bad timing.

I think that, in some weird way, he would somewhat appreciate or at least be kind of amused by that irony.

Hopefully he is finally at peace.